When I found out that I was pregnant again, I must admit, there was a momentary feeling of pure dread. It wasn’t because I knew I’d have my hands full or the fact that it wasn’t planned. The idea of having another baby, planned or not, was and is very exciting to me.
What I dreaded was the bottom sickness.
DEFINITION: Originally coined by Practical Joe for purposes of making fun of me, bottom sickness is a term to describe an event opposite to morning sickness. This event would (hopefully) occur in the bathroom at an opportune moment (when at home), but unfortunately, most of the time, the need to be “bottom sick” tends to occur when stuck in traffic, or at the store with a screaming baby and a cart full or groceries. Bottom sickness is the worst possible pregnancy symptom and, lucky for me, I have it.
2 Days Ago:
It’s a beautiful spring day. The apple blossoms cover the trees and the grass is a pristine shade of emerald green (aside from the patch where Dog From Hell 1 likes to pee). I decide it’s the perfect day to take a nice long walk.
I am halfway through the walk (the furthest point away from home) when suddenly it hits me. I need to get home.
I begin walking toward my shortcut when my bottom sickness suddenly disappears. Excellent. It was only a false alarm. I continue on my longer route.
Moments later, it hits me again. How could I forget? It comes in swells – everyone knows this! I really need to get home.
My leisurely pace turns to a brisk power walk. An elderly fellow smiles at me from his porch. “Beautiful day isn’t it?”
“Sure is,” I tell him, wondering if it would be weird to ask him if I could use his restroom. I picture myself chuckle as I sheepishly explain to him that I’m pregnant and have awful morning sickness. Of course I’d be busted once I left his picture perfect home smelling like a sewer exploded in it. I keep walking.
Another up swell and my power walk turns to a desperate canter. A woman pushing a stroller stops in the middle of my path to let her toddler smell the flowers. MOVE IT!!!!
“Hi there,” she says with a warm smile.
“Hi,” I shout as I zip past her.
Finally I am two, maybe one minute from home. THANK YOU JESUS!
That’s when I look down at Buddha and realize that he’s lost his hat. (I am about to make a critical mistake.) Being that I am on a down swell, I am feeling over confident. I could easily return for the hat a little later but for some reason I decide to turn around and seek out the three-dollar baseball cap. (Must be Practical Joe’s thriftiness rubbing off on me.)
I turn around and within about five minutes I’ve found the hat. I place it back on Buddha’s head and continue back toward home.
And then it really hits me. I have no choice but to run.
CLENCH, M. CLENCH LIKE YOU’VE NEVER CLENCHED BEFORE!!
I finally reach my doorstep, fumble with my key and suddenly as if from out of nowhere, I hear someone say my name. I turn around to see my elderly neighbor pointing to my garden.
“Those plants are poisonous you know.”
I do know. I know this because you’ve told me about a thousand times.
“Oh hi George! Thanks for letting me know!” I unlock the door.
“You should really get those things removed.” He shakes his head disapprovingly.
(ALERT! ALERT! DOUBLE CLENCH!)
(ALERT! ALERT! DOUBLE CLENCH!)
“Well then what would my dogs have to eat?”
A look of horror sweeps across his face. I smile before slamming the door behind me.
This is going to be so much fun…