Based on the title of this post, you may have assumed that I am pregnant. Well, I am not pregnant, nor do I suspect that I am. (Okay, that’s a lie. I always suspect that I am.)
I do, however, have a new hobby that I would like to share with you. It involves peeing on sticks, and well, that’s pretty much it. I like to pee on sticks. Period.
Speaking of periods, my hobby began about three months ago when I still hadn’t gotten mine after having Buddha. In the old days, when aunt flow came to town, I could sufficiently reassure myself that I was not pregnant. But these days, aunt flow doesn’t visit, and it’s making me a little nervous. (Turns out she gets a little offended when people have babies.)
So in her absence I’ve taken a shining to peeing on sticks, just to reassure myself (and maybe to have a little fun, too).
Practical Joe is not supportive of my new hobby.
“They’re like eight-dollars each!” he complains to me one day, as I break open a pee stick and hold it up to the light.
“I know, which is why you’ll be excited about the great deal I found online. Eighty-five cents each! I ordered them today,” I tell him, giddy.
“But you’re on the pill! There's no way you could be pregnant."
Damn him and his unwavering logic.
The thing is, I somehow manage to enjoy my hobby, even when there is next to no chance that I could be pregnant - because even when the chances are slim, I still get a tiny thrill from knowing that there is a 0.01% chance that I could see that second line, and my life could be changed forever.
“I know,” I say. “But think about that day when I was a few hours late in taking the pill… and I’ve been craving TONS of cinnamon buns, so it could be real this time.”
PJ isn’t buying it. “Why don’t you go pee on something else? Like a popsicle stick? It would be a lot cheaper.”
I contemplate this. I suppose I could pee on a popsicle stick, but it would kind of defeat the whole purpose. Plus, then I’d just be some weird lady who likes to pee on things, because, let’s face it, once you start peeing on arts and crafts supplies, where does it end? Would it be a gateway stick? Would I want to branch out and pee on other things too? It seems like risky business to me.
So despite PJ’s suggestion, I’m going to do my best to limit my hobby to only peeing on designated pee sticks. And it just got a little easier, because today my cheap pee sticks came in the mail. There are twenty of them– all just needing to be peed on.
I feel like a kid on Christmas.